Advice To My Younger Self

My entire life has been dedicated to figuring out the formula for my personal happiness. Having survived a difficult and often traumatic upbringing, I have been on a never-ending quest to make up for all those sad and lonely childhood days by achieving something I often feel incapable of sustaining.

Whenever I think I’ve got it figured out, disappointment eventually rears its head to remind me I haven’t come close to achieving or maintaining any true happiness. Why is it so elusive? Why do I feel this constant struggle to be truly satisfied with where I am and what I have? It’s not for a lack of gratitude. Where I am now in my life is infinitely better than where I’ve been at any prior point in time. I’m healthy, highly educated, well-traveled, and in a loving long-term relationship. I thank God every day for all of that, and I never allow myself to take any of it for granted. So what the heck is the problem?

Well, the best thing about being an introspective person is that, most of the time, I already know the answer to my own self-questioning. The answer is fear. I’ve been, on a large scale, fearful of most things my entire life. The only times I’ve ever experienced any real success or felt a sense of accomplishment are when I ignored my fears and did what I truly wanted to do anyway. My fear keeps me from giving myself the chance to be sustainably happy.

I know intrinsically that happiness is a choice. By and large, my day-to-day happiness is never going to come as a byproduct of anything I’ve purchased, any relationship I’m in, or any one of a dozen activities I enjoy. If I want to be happy, I have to define it and redefine what it means to me daily, then act accordingly. The things that made me happy in my 20s don’t even register on the radar anymore.

I find that being cuddled up on a Saturday night on my king-size pillowtop with my Boo makes me happy most days, but not always. Sometimes I need more; sometimes less. And so when I ask myself why I’m not happy, what I really need to ask is why I’m not taking more time to listen to what I need right now, in this moment. It doesn’t mean always being impulsive and living on a whim. It means slowing down enough to recognize when I’m living on autopilot, making decisions that don’t feel right, going along to get along, and acting out of desperation and fear instead of following my heart.

We all know that with the passage of time, our lives grow shorter and shorter every day. If we don't live true to ourselves, we are pretty much ensuring we will live in a constant state of mental flux, with our emotions ruled by other people’s actions and dependent on others’ permission. I, for one, don’t want to continue living this way.

Today, I am slowing down, listening to my heart, and choosing to be happy